I'm not sure how yet, but I will (part 3)

The Do's and Don't's when navigating perfectionism with students and the self

In part 2 of my series on perfectionism and "I'm not sure how, but I will", I talked about the things you might hear from a student or say yourself when coping with perfectionism and music. To recap though, I listed 3 types of phrases and thoughts:

1. Should, must, and never statements

2. All or nothing thinking

3. Catastrophizing

But we're talking about music here and perfectionism can be perceivable even if words aren't being exchanged:

1. Starting and then restarting and then restarting, or doubling back on a passage to get another chance at it, or not even attempting the passage and dropping out to jump back in where you know you'll nail it

2. Hesitancy starting the piece, lots of counting in to "get set" and making sure they're "ready" so that the conditions are optimal for success

3. They "play it safe" and don't take risks in their playing, they're conservative for fear of making mistakes

4. Hesitations in the music because they're giving themselves time to think about what comes next and how to execute it

5. They look uncomfortable playing (no really! I've seen a student's entire demeanor and positioning change, like they're folding into themselves because it'll be easier to bear criticism or failure that way)

So, you've identified perfectionistic tendencies in yourself and/or in your students, now what?

Waaaaaaay back in my very first post, I said to always come from a place of compassion when teaching. Well, lots of compassion is needed for us perfectionists because we're hard enough on ourselves already (remember how I said anything less than perfect was a personal failing and tied to self worth? no need to pile on).

Before we dive into what to do/say, I want to outline a few things not to say to students, regardless of whether or not you know they're struggling with perfectionism, and regardless of whether or not they have documented learning disabilities:

• NEVER mention a student's potential or even suggest that they're somehow wasting their potential

• NEVER call a student lazy

• NEVER tell a student to just focus and do the thing

• NEVER say "See was that so hard?" or anything of this nature

Aside from compassion what else can we do to help the perfectionists in our lives?

• Practice goal setting: short term and long term, help your student to understand what a reasonable goal is vs. something that is unrealistic, make sure these goals are specific and measurable

• Make mistakes on purpose: I promise it won't kill your student or ruin their musical education if you instruct them to play all F naturals instead of F sharps on a run through (obviously we don't want to memorize mistakes so use something low stakes, I'm fond of using Marcel Moyse's Little Melodies or other etudes for this task)

• Adopt a growth mindset: perfectionism often comes from the place of a fixed mindset, adopting a growth mindset can help students start to see their own potential and to realize that progress > perfection. Just the act of doing something you couldn't do before is progress and those wins should be celebrated.

• Done is better than perfect: there's a saying "A good dissertation is a done dissertation" and honestly, it applies to much more than you'd think. Like when I had horrible memory slips playing a pass off of a Suzuki book for my HS teacher and she let me sit on the floor and play through the rest of the pieces, sniffling through the tears because "I swear I know these, I don't know why I can't just play them right." (I did much better once I was sitting on the floor and was told my mistakes didn't matter)

I think I'm going to wrap up this little 3 part series here, but it won't be the last I talk about perfectionism. Please enjoy this gif of ANTM cycle 22 winner, Nyle DiMarco, and remember to be kind to yourself and your students.